Pay Back
by lurv2boogie
Summary: When James loses a bet, Sirius devises a penalty that results in James getting food poisoning. Thoroughly upset, James and Lily plot to get their own back – but neither of them consider what might happen if they go too far. [Marauders era, JPxLE moments]
1. Strike One

**Disclaimer: Not JKR. Bugger. **

**A/N: Ah, hello my little pamplemooses... Contrary to popular belief, I am not dead. Surprise! So, just to prove it, I've written a new fic. Haha. Enjoy!**

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It had seemed like a perfectly normal day, at first. Lily Evans had opened her eyes wearily when she woke up, as she always did. She brushed her teeth twice over, with two different kinds of toothpaste, as she always did. She had strolled casually down to the Great Hall in a good mood, smelling the appetite-whetting aromas of freshly cooked breakfasts, as she always did. But as soon as she stepped through the main doors, in search of her breakfast, she knew something was wrong.

James-effing-Potter.

Of course. What else would it be.

Today, he was sitting in a fluorescent pink shirt, with what looked like a dozen red roses in hand – and the flowers, too, were glowing the strange iridescent pink that was covering James' torso. This in itself, of course, was not particularly unusual - Potter was constantly involved in some sort of juvenile prank war, and was forever getting profanities burned into his forehead, or getting his wand replaced with a trick wand that sprouted daisies whenever he tried to cast a spell. What was unusual (as well as highly disturbing) was the fact that James was steadily packing what looked like cottage cheese into his right nostril. It had swelled to at least triple its original size with the force of the amount of cheese he had shoved in there, and he was grinning stupidly as he reached down into a container sitting in front of him and grabbed a fistful to add to the burgeoning lump in his nose. Potter's stupid _posse_ – consisting of the similarly idiotic Sirius Black and the completely brain-dead Peter Pettigrew – were cheering him on unabashedly, while the fourth and final member of the group, Remus Lupin, was sitting on the opposite side of the table to the other three, an incredulous look across his face. Remus caught Lily's eye and smiled sourly before covering his face with his hands.

"I don't know these people," he said, and Lily patted his head sympathetically. She leaned down conspiratorially.

"Just out of curiosity… what in God's name is James doing?"

"He's packing his right nostril with cottage cheese."

"Yes, I had noticed that, funnily enough," she said, whacking Remus' arm playfully, "Why, though? Wait," Lily said, a memory of a conversation about a week ago coming back to her. "This isn't about that stupid _bet_, is it?"

"Bingo."

"Why am I not finding myself surprised?" Lily said dryly. Remus looked at her and grinned.

"Prongs and Padfoot bet each other that they could put more cottage cheese up their noses than the other. The loser had to put the same amount of cottage cheese into their nose wearing an outfit of the other's choosing."

"Why do I associate with these people?"

"Precisely what I've been asking myself for the past half-hour."

Suddenly, James looked up from his tub of cottage cheese and gave an animalistic roar, grinning stupidly and beckoning for Lily to walk around to the other side of the table and sit in his lap. She blushed, embarrassed at the attention she was now getting from the hundred-plus people in the Great Hall, and hid her face in her hands. Remus prodded her arm for her to look up again, and when she did James had gone back to getting fistfuls of cottage cheese, apparently having forgotten completely about Lily.

"There's something wrong with him," Lily told Remus, and, accepting her fate, she stood up and walked around to the other side of the table, where she sat next to James after pushing Peter out of his seat.

"LILY!" James yelled joyfully, spraying cottage cheese everywhere. Lily made an unsavory face as she felt globs of snotty cheese hit her cheek.

"James, you'll get brain damage from doing that."

"I know, isn't it cool?"

"That's not exactly the word I'd use for it," she told him, nervously looking around, "but seriously though, snort out the cheese."

"But Lily, I lost a bet, and I have to uphold the traditions of Marauder-betting."

"If you keep packing your nose with cottage cheese, the bet's not the only thing you will have lost." Lily said sternly, giving him a meaningful look. James gulped and, pressing one finger firmly down on his left nostril, blew out forcefully. The entire contents of his right nostril emptied out onto the table in front of him, leaving three second years, who had been eating breakfast opposite him, very green in the face. Lily apologized profusely to the three second years before turning back to James and giving a start. He was now _eating_ the remaining cottage cheese in the cardboard tub.

"Padfoot obviously has a fantastic fashion sense." Lily said, smirking at James' glowing pink shirt.

"What? It's good!" James replied, grinning eagerly. "The electric pink really brings out the definition in my abs."

"Yeah, right," Lily muttered, and then gestured towards the container that James was still scooping handfuls of cottage cheese out of, though, admittedly, this time to eat. "James, that's disgusting."

"Well, there's no point in letting it go to waste. Here, want some?" James said, and pushed the container towards Lily's face. Acting reflexively, she grabbed the container in her right had and took a closer look at the label.

"What exactly is it that you're eating?" Lily asked James confusedly.

"Lils, I told you about a million times. Cottage cheese." James replied patronizingly.

"But this is a milk container." Lily said, showing him the label.

"Yeah. You're point being?"

"Cottage cheese doesn't come in a milk container."

"That makes sense," he conceded.

"So why are you eating cottage cheese from a milk container if you know that cottage cheese isn't _native_ to a milk container."

"I don't know," James told her nonchalantly. "Didn't really think about it."

Lily sniffed the inside of the container and grimaced. Turning pale, she put the container as far in front of her as she could reach.

"James, I don't think that was cottage cheese you were eating."

"What else could it—" James paused. "No. That's not… I mean, it can't be…"

"James, I think that was _milk_! How on earth did you not notice the smell?"

"I've never had cottage cheese before!" James said loudly, his eyes wide.

"Well let me give you a clue!" Lily yelled at him. "Anything that smells like the most rancid thing on earth ISN'T EDIBLE!"

Lily looked around, and it was then that she noticed the absence of the other three Marauders.

"James, just out of curiosity," Lily continued quietly, "who gave you the carton?"

James thought for a moment, and his eyes widened once again.

"BLOODY PADFOOT!"

---

"We have to get him back for this," James said, lying in the hospital wing. He had been in there for the past two days, throwing up anything he ate (though Lily suspected that he was reveling in the attention – James stubbornly told anyone who listened that he no longer had any kidneys).

"Well, what do you suggest?" Lily asked him. She was actually starting to get interested in the idea of a little pay back – it was Sirius' fault that she had been stuck listening to James complain all day. It was starting to get to the point where she would willingly saw off her own ears.

"Embarrassment. We can't make him sick, it's too easy to trace back to us, but if we mess around with his mind a little bit…"

"Well, yeah," Lily agreed. "Sirius isn't really all that bright, it shouldn't be too tricky."

"Bah bah bah bah," James told her, wagging his finger at her. "Rule number one: never underestimate your opponent."

"What's rule number two?"

"Erm… well, actually there isn't a second rule."

"Oh."

"Hmm."

"Well, what do you suggest we start with, then?" Lily asked him pensively. A smirk spread across James' face and as he spoke it was obvious he was working to cover his elation.

"I get out of here tomorrow, I'll see you in Transfiguration. Just leave it to me,' he added, as way of explanation, and Lily was about to argue when she realized that she had no idea what she was doing, and shrugged.

"See you tomorrow." And with a quick kiss on the lips, Lily left the Hospital Wing.

James sat in his bed, grinning to himself. Madame Hartridge, the Infirmary nurse, came bustling out of her office, and catching sight of James' ridiculous grin, walked over to his bed.

"What're you so happy about?" she asked him. He looked up at her, still smiling wickedly.

"Tomorrow, the games begin."

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**A/N: Please review, gorgeous pamplemooses, or I may be inclined to smash my computer into a million little bits with the butt of a .45 Colt. Thanks! **


	2. Launching An Offensive

**Disclaimer: Not JKR, blah-blah-bliddy-blah. Bah. **

**A/N: The second chapter of Payback! Nothing to say but... enjoy.**

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The next day, Lily arrived at Transfiguration with a disconcerting ominous feeling. It wasn't that she wasn't all for Sirius getting back what he dished out, and she fully supported James in his quest for vengeance (after all, it wasn't very pleasant to have your boyfriend throwing up curdled milk all over your brand new shoes), but she still felt vaguely guilty. She sighed. It was that old demon coming back after her – she had "assumed a position of leadership" and all that crap. Being Head Girl had its advantages, for sure… but there were times when she wished the position didn't come with an extra helping of conscience. This, of course, was doubled indefinitely due to the fact that James was Head Boy. Stupid McGonagall. Stupid Dumbledore. Lily could have sworn that the two teachers had given the two of them the most senior positions a student could hold at Hogwarts more out of spite than anything else.

She sighed and, hugging her books to her chest, took a seat next to Frank Longbottom. He looked up at her and smiled, winking at her before turning back to his bag. Lily smiled back at him. She and Frank had always been on good terms, even when they had both sworn blind that the opposite sex had cooties. Sighing again, she dug her quill out of her bag and placed it gently on the desk in front of her, waiting for the lesson to begin. Lily suddenly realized how quiet the classroom was, and scanning her surroundings, she quickly found out why. Sirius Black was absent.

_Oh, God, please tell me that James didn't do something horrible to Sirius that prevented him from coming to class. Please, please. If you do this for me, I promise I'll… I'll… well, I'll do something, I'll do lots of really… good… things. Promise. _

Lily rubbed her eyes and when she peered between her fingers, she was pleased to see that James had arrived, and had taken the seat in front of her.

"Morning Lils."

"James. Morning. How're you feeling?"

"Great. Absolutely smashing, buttercup."

"Did you just call me, 'buttercup'? You _know_ I'm going to have to hurt you now."

James shrugged. "Right. Sorry. Anyway, you'll be pleased to know that I caught Padfoot on my way here."

"James, no!" Lily gulped, "Is Sirius okay?"

"Fine and dandy, like grapefruit candy," James told her, and Lily looked strangely at him.

"Grapefruit candy?"

"Meh. Anyhow, not a hair is harmed on Siwius' wickle head."

"James! Focus!" Lily chided loudly. "What did you do?!"

"Woah, be calm, my little Lily flower. I just put a hex on him. It should wear off in about seven hours."

"What hex did you use?" Lily asked, surprised. It wasn't like James to go for something as mundane as the Jelly Legs hex or the like.

"It's something I've been working on," James told her, grinning, as Professor McGonagall walked in and began setting up. "A little after-school project, if you like. It's a confusion hex: basically it makes the victim behave strangely to everyone else, but the victim doesn't realize they're doing anything different to the way they usually behave."

"A custom hex?" Lily said, her eyes wide. "Do you know how _dangerous_ that is?" She arranged her face into a shocked expression, trying to hide the surge of envy she felt. _He's _making_ hexes? Why aren't I doing that? _

"Relax, Lils. Completely safe. I've tested it, it should be abso—" But James was interrupted by Professor McGonagall.

"Mr Potter, if whatever you have to say is worth interrupting my lesson for, I'm sure we'd all love to hear it." Professor McGonagall spoke sternly, but her eyes twinkled a little. It was no secret that she tended to favour the Head Boy and Girl in her classes.

"Well, I was just commenting on the fact that there aren't _nearly _enough Transfiguration lessons, Professor." James told her, smiling charismatically, as the people behind him mimed being sick. Several students around him booed, laughing.

"Yes, well, be that as it may, I have a lesson to teach."

"And I have a lesson to take, so that works out marvelously." James replied, and Lily whacked the back of his head sharply. McGonagall glared at him before turning her back on him to walk to the front of the class. A moment later, Sirius came in through the door, and Lily (along with the rest of the class) gaped at him. He was wearing a white and red checkered top hat, his white school shirt wrapped around his waist, leaving the rest of his torso bared, and his trousers sat around his ankles, showing the class his smiley-face boxers and making it very difficult for Sirius to walk. He waddled over to McGonagall's desk, grinning.

"Mr Black, please sit down so I can begin class," McGonagall said, eyes flashing with anger and surprise.

"Oh, but," Sirius replied, with the air of an impertinent six year old, "Class begins when I put my pants on."

"And why, pray tell, are they not on in the first place?" She asked him with a tone of voice that clearly told the class she was fighting to keep her temper in check.

"The real question, my dear Professor," Sirius said, before turning to the rest of the class, "is… why do I have nipples?" He brought his hands up to his naked chest, covering his nipples with his palms. "I mean, I know they're very manly and all, but I'm not going to be breastfeeding anytime soon. At least, I don't think I am. Men don't breastfeed, do they? Am I a man? Maybe I'm not." He hooked a finger around the elastic of his boxers and peered down his body. "No, I definitely am, see?" And before anyone could stop him, he pulled down his boxers, standing completely naked in front of the entire NEWT Transfiguration class. Lily immediately covered her eyes, and heard James splutter with laughter in front of her. The rest of the class was either hysterical with laughter or, like Lily, busy trying to cover their eyes or gouging them out with their quills. McGonagall, meanwhile, was busy shouting at Sirius, keeping very strict eye contact with him.

"Mr Black! Pull up your trousers this _instant_!"

Sirius grinned. "I know you like it, Minerva."

McGonagall's eyes widened and she stood up angrily. A remarkably tall woman, she towered over his 6ft 4". "Detention, Mr Black, every night for a fortnight. Now pull up your trousers and SIT DOWN!" She roared over the din of the rest of the class, and in an instant there was silence. Sirius nodded, still grinning and looking slightly dazed, before pulling up his trousers and taking a bow. Expecting applause, he started when none came, and took the remaining seat at the front of the class sulkily.

"This is brilliant," James whispered to Lily as McGonagall issued instructions for the class. "Sirius isn't going to know what hit him!"

"Wish something would hit _me_," Lily replied, "and give me a mild amnesia for the events of the last five minutes or so."

"Oh, come on, it was funny."

"You and your incredibly strange sense of humour, James. How long did you say this hex takes to wear off?"

"About seven, eight hours or so. Just enough for him to make a complete fool of himself."

"Great," Lily replied, feigning enthusiasm. "Let's just make sure I'm nowhere near when he does, okay?"

---

When James and Lily saw Sirius next, the two of them had just sat down to lunch in the Great Hall. Sirius came waltzing in, wearing a unicorn-head-shaped cap, complete with since spiralling horn that was rested in the middle of Sirius' forehead, bouncing in time with Sirius' step occasionally as he made his way over to the two Heads.

"JAMESIES! LILSIES! Om-guh!" Sirius yelled, and ran excitedly over to them. "Om-guh, om-guh, om-guh!"

"Sirius," Lily began cautiously, "are you feeling alright? You look a little… uh… insane."

"Om-guh! I'm fine Lilsies! Gosh, you don't have to worry about little old me, I'm fine and dandy, like—"

"Grapefruit candy, yeah, I heard." Lily replied dryly, and Sirius grinned.

"Om-guh." Sirius said, with an air of finality, and James and Lily exchanged glances. Sirius had clearly gone nuts.

"Erm… Sirius," James started. "What's 'om-guh' mean?"

"Om-guh! How can you guys not know what om-guh means! Golly," Sirius replied, scratching his neck, "Oh. Em. Gee! Om-guh!"

"Still not getting it, sorry," Lily told him. Sirius rolled his eyes.

"It's the first letters of Oh My God, said phon-et-ic-a-lly."

"Okay?" James said, and looked over at Lily. She shrugged.

"Om-guh. Om-guh, om-guh." Sirius sang, conducting an imaginary orchestra with two breadsticks.

"This is going to be a long day, James. And, just so you know," Lily said, "I'm entirely blaming you."

---

"I did _what_?" Sirius asked, burying his head in his hands. It was almost seven and James, Sirius and Lily had just come up from dinner in the Great Hall, about nine hours after his nudist incident in Transfiguration.

"And then you hit on McGonagall," James said, spluttering with laughter, "and she gave you a fortnight's worth of detention."

"Om-guh," Sirius said solemnly, and then shook his head. "Merlin, how did this happen?" he said loudly. "I don't remember doing any of this."

"Well," James said, and exchanged an evil look with Lily, "do you remember giving me a milk container for that cottage cheese bet?"

Sirius paused for a moment, and then grinned. "Ha, yeah. That was _hilarious_, the bet prank I ever pulled on y—" He paused, letting his mouth hang agape. "_You _did this to me?"

"Maybe a little bit." James replied, grinning. "So we're even now."

"No! Not even!" Sirius yelled, standing up. "You son of a bitch, I've got two weeks of detention thanks to you! You were only in the Hospital Wing for a couple of days!"

"Throwing up my kidneys!" James replied, seeming genuinely surprised at the reaction. "Come on, at least I didn't give you Doxy Wings or something. And it wasn't just me."

"Oh, no James, don't bring me into this." Lily told him sternly.

Sirius looked round at Lily with a look of surprise. "_Evans_? You were in on this?"

"Well, maybe a little bit, but I didn't know what James was going to—"

"But you knew he was going to do something?"

"Well, erm… no, but… erm… well, see, the thing of the matter is…" Lily swallowed. "Yes."

"I can't believe this. I'm a laughing stock thanks to you two."

"Well throwing up all over your girlfriend isn't exactly all sunshine and buttercups."

"That was a joke."

"So was this!"

"Well," Sirius said, gathering his books and quills in his arms, "If you thought this was over, that we were _even_ or something, you were sorely mistaken. You've taken a little more than you deserved," he said, pointing at James threateningly. "And now its time to get some back." Sirius glared one final time at James and Lily before swiveling dramatically and going up the staircase to his right. James and Lily looked at each other for a moment before looking back at the staircase. Sirius was sitting at the bottom of a ramp where the staircase had been, his books and quills scattered unceremoniously around them. Without a word, he picked them up and stood up, straightening his robes.

"Oh, shut up," he told them. "Like you've never taken the wrong staircase."

James and Lily watched in silence at Sirius stormed up the other staircase and sat quietly for a moment.

"You don't think he's really serious, do you?" Lily asked James nervously. "I don't much fancy being the butt of Sirius' jokes."

"Nah, he's not. He'll have calmed down by miles by breakfast, don't worry about it."

"Do you think we went too far, James?"

James paused for a moment. "No," he told her decisively. "He's just overreacted."

Lily knew she was supposed to have been comforted by those words, but as she drifted off to sleep that night she realized that, really, they were no help to her at all.

---

**A/N: Whatcha think? Please review!**


	3. Branding

**A/N: Ah, hello, my little pamplemooses... my apologies for not updating sooner, but I've been a bit hectic lately. Schooling started up again today and everything after a peaceful summer break... (no, I'm not bitter about going back at all...) anyway, please enjoy!**

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In the morning, Lily woke up, once again, with the same feeling of foreboding that had been haunting her for the past day. She sat up in her bed and rubbed her eyes, the events of last night coming back to her as she tried to wake herself up.

"Poor Sirius," She murmured to herself sleepily as she pushed the covers aside to get out of bed. "It really wasn't meant to be all that malicious or anything. And he did go a little insane over it… but then again, I am trying to justify myself _to_ myself, so I can't really comment on insanity. Or lackthereof. But not in my case. Yes." She stretched and shook the thoughts from her mind. Lily stood in the middle of the dorm for a moment, deep in thought, before snapping out of her reverie and looking for some fresh clothes. Finding a clean bra, shirt and denim skirt to wear, she slipped them on and went to the bathroom to brush her teeth. However, when she got there, the door was firmly shut.

"What? Nobody gets in there earlier than I do… it's gotta be about six in the morning!" Lily said to herself, before knocking on the door and raising her voice. "Are you going to be long in there?"

Alice White's voice floated through the door. "Sorry Lily, but I've got a breakfast date with Frank. Won't be a second."

Lily smiled. Alice and Frank had been together for a few months, after a very painful courting period not unlike Lily's own experience with James. Suddenly, there was a loud bang from the other side of the door, and a second later a scream sounded.

"Alice? Alice, are you alright?"

"It's my hair!" Alice said through the door, whimpering. "I was trying to curl it with that hair potion Gloria gave me, but I _burnt it_!"

"It's okay, Alice, calm down!" Lily began, but she was interrupted by Alice's hysterical sobbing.

"_Okay_? OKAY? It is _not_ okay! My hair is all gone, Lily, GONE! FREAKIN' GONE!"

"Alice, really, calm down, it's going to be just fine—"

"It's not going to be fine, I've got a date, and I like my hair, you know, it's got this nice wave to it and it's quite thick and and I can do anything with it. Oh, _I'm sorry_," Alice said, sobbing. "_Could_ do anything with it. Past-effing-tense, Lily, PAST-EFFING-TENSE."

"Okay, Alice, it's…" Lily trailed off. Alice was sobbing again. "I'll just… I'll use the bathroom later, it's okay."

Lily shook her head as she walked back to the dormitory. Lily and Sirius apparently weren't the only two in Hogwarts going a little insane. She dropped off her toothbrush and did a quick charm to freshen her breath and whiten her teeth. It wouldn't last her past breakfast, but hopefully the bathroom would be Alice-free by then. Lily made her way down into the Common Room, where James was seated. Apart from the two of them, the Common Room was completely empty.

"Hey, Lils, how did you—" But he didn't finish his sentence. As soon as he got a good look at Lily, he started laughing. Lily looked at him worriedly.

"What?" She asked him.

"Oh, Lily, you've, uh, you've got a _thing _on your forehead."

"I've got a _what_ on my forehead?"

"A… a _thing_."

"James," Lily began, her hands rising to her cheeks, too fearful to touch her forehead. "Are you saying I have a _penis_ on my forehead?"

"What? _No_. There's a word written there." James laughed as Lily sighed in relief.

"What word?"

"It looks like it's burnt into your skin."

"James. What word?"

James grimaced before replying. "Slut," he told her quietly, and she glared at him.

"What did you just call me?" Lily shouted, her eyes popping.

"No, no, that's the word that's written on your forehead."

Lily paused. "Are you telling me that I have the word _slut_ written on my forehead?"

"Maybe."

"Oh my God."

"Or, as Sirius would say, _Om-guh_," James joked. Lily glared scathingly at him.

"Don't you start that again," Lily said as James dragged his hands through his hair, pulling his fringe back. "or I'll have to-- what the hell is that?"

"Hmm? What do you mean?" James asked, dropping his hands. Lily shook her head.

"Pull your fringe back again," She told him, and watched as he obliged. Once his hair was cleared off his face, Lily looked at him again, and instantly saw something written on his forehead, much in the same fashion as she had imagined the word 'slut' was written on hers. "James, there's something there. You're forehead says, 'man…'" Lily grinned. "It says 'manwhore'."

"It _what_?" James said, and scrambled to get up from his chair to rush up the stairs to the boys dormitory and look at his forehead in the mirror. Lily followed him as he ran into the bathroom and pulled back his fringe hastily. "What are you talking about, Lily? It says 'erohwnam', not 'manwh…'" James stopped for a second. "I'm look at my reflection, aren't I?" Lily nodded. "So the word would be backwards, wouldn't it?" Lily nodded again. "Let's just forget I said that."

"With pleasure. But we have more to worry about than where you were the day your parents were explaining about how mirrors work." Lily swallowed. "Let's just try to get these off."

James nodded, and the two of them rushed forward to the sink. Lily grabbed a scouring sponge by the side of the sink and rinsed it with warm water before scrubbing at her forehead, where the word _tuls_ was staring back at her every time she looked into the mirror. James was pointing his wand at his forehead, yelling '_SCOURGIFY_' with increasing volume. Neither method at removing the offending words was working particularly well.

"Well now that we've succeeded in making the words even redder," Lily said after a while, "what do we do?"

"Madame Hartridge?"

"No way, James, no. I'm not going to walk through Hogwarts having been _literally_ branded a slut."

"Well, maybe I can…" James stopped and turned to the other direction, apparently deep in thought. "I guess now's as good a time as any."

"James, what are you talking about?"

"I have something to tell you," James said after a moment's pause. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you before but it's not really something I want going around school."

Lily stopped and stared at James. She had never seen him so solemn. "What is it?"

"I have an Invisibility Cloak. It was a gift from my Grandfather, he was a big-shot in the Ministry. It's kind of… old. Said to have been tailored about a thousand years ago. But, you know, that's probably just trade-hype. Anyway, we could use it to get to the Hospital Wing without being seen."

"You have a what? From where? Made when? Use it for who-now?"

"Invisibility cloak. Grandfather. Thousand years ago. Getting to the Hospital Wing. I just told you."

"Right," Lily nodded, dumbstruck. She hadn't been expecting that. Suddenly she was filled with curiosity. "Can I… can I see it?"

"Well I guess you're going to have to, if you're going to use it," James said. Lily shook her head.

"Amazing," she told him. "Well, let's have a look then?"

"You stay here," James told her, gesturing to the bathroom, "and I'll be back in a second."

He wasn't gone for a minute before he came rushing back through the bathroom door, brandishing a huge piece of material in his hands.

"It used to be bigger," James told her as he let it unravel from the bundle in his arms, "but every now and again it has to be tailored. Visibility fades back along the edges."

"It's amazing, James," Lily sighed. "Wow."

"So, ready to go to Madame Hartridge?" James asked, and Lily nodded in agreement, getting to her feet. She stepped further towards James, and he smiled gently down at her. He had at least six inches on her height.

"James," Lily began, a strange look crossing her face, "Don't you think it's a bit strange that Sirius declares war against us, and we wake up with derogatory words on our foreheads?"

"You don't think Sirius did this?"

"Wouldn't put it past him. Wouldn't put it past _you_."

"Oh come on. That was just the _one_ time."

Lily narrowed her eyes. "I still haven't been able to wash off all that magic marker."

"So, if Sirius did this, then he really was serious about it."

"Isn't Sirius usually serious? And by the way, well done on the oh-so-subtle change of subject. Very masterful."

"Oh dear God, another Sirius/serious pun. Never be a stand-up."

"I'll try. Subject-changer," Lily pointed accusatorily. James shrugged. "We're assuming that Sirius did this. Which he probably did. He's really waging a war against us, James, and I don't know about you, but I say it's time we get this started. Let's show him what it is to be humiliated. This is child's play. This is little-league. It's time to show him where the big kids hang out."

"Well," James said, after a moment. "I'm dating a bad-ass. Who knew?"

"Shut up."

"Yes, Ma'am."

"Seriously, shut up."

"Gotcha. Zipping it as we speak."

"Shut _up_, James."

"Yeah, okay, geez, I'll—"

"SHUT UP!"

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**A/N: You liked it? You hated it? Please let me know:D Until next time, pamplemooses... (pamplemoosi??)...**


	4. Getting Out of Hand

**A/N: And she's ba-aack... **

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"For this to work, Potter, we're going to need a well constructed plan. This will require maps. And… pulleys. And ice cream of some kind."

James stared doubtfully at Lily.

"Ice cream? For what, chucking it in his face?"

"No… I get hungry when I scheme."

"Oh."

And so James and Lily had been sitting in this same fashion, Lily almost immediately appointing herself leader of their operation, for a good few hours after breakfast. James didn't complain too much. He wasn't much good at telling other people what to do.

Well, actually, he was. He just wasn't any good at telling _Lily_ what to do.

"Okay, Potter. What have you got for me?"

"What haven't I got?" James said suggestively. Silence. "Okay, badly time joked. Moving on. How about we spray his hair bright pink and glue sequins to it?"

"Yes, because our target goal is to make Sirius look like a transvestite." Lily said sarcastically, snapping.

"Hey, it was just a…" But he trailed off. Lily was looking at him strangely and an incredulous grin was spreading slowly across her face.

"You know, James," she began slowly, "That idea really isn't half bad."

---

Sirius Black was having a nightmare. He was lying in bed, completely surrounded by angry House Elves. He'd insulted them, apparently, and now he was going to have to pay. The elves tugged at his hair firmly, making him shriek in pain in a very sensitive-yet-manly fashion. The tugging stopped, suddenly, and dream-Sirius sighed in relief – until he realised they were pulling up their little pillow cases and…

"AAAAH! STOP PISSING ON ME!" Sirius woke with a start, in time to hear the confused snorting of the three other wizards he shared the dormitory with.

"We'll really try to bear that in mind for future reference, Padfoot," Came Remus's unusually snappy tone.

"No pissing. Got it," Joked Peter, and Remus laughed sleepily.

"Oh, shut up. It's extremely disturbing to have House Elves whipping out their little-"

"Don't finish that sentence, Padfoot, or there _will_ be trouble," James said sternly from the other side of the room. Sirius shrugged and rolled over, falling asleep almost instantly.

"James," A disembodied whisper came from the doorway about a minute later. "I did it. I'll see you tomorrow morning."

James heard the door shut behind the female voice firmly and, when he was sure she was gone, allowed himself a triumphant grin.

---

The next morning, James greeted Lily cheerfully at breakfast. Both Remus and Peter had noticed James' drastically happy mood, and James noticed with even more delight that Sirius was, as yet, a no-show at breakfast. Either he had already realised and was desperately trying to remove the offending items from various parts of his body, or it was going to be one hell of a show when he did descend from the common room to the Great Hall for breakfast.

James was, as Lily was, hoping for the latter.

Sure enough, twenty minutes or so later, Sirius emerged from behind the huge doors to the Great Hall, though at first James didn't realise. He was barely recognisable. His face had been covered in permanent, over-dramatic makeup – huge red lips, much larger than his actual mouth, had been drawn on; blue and pink eyeshadow had been applied to his eyes; his hair was now brilliant red and had been lengthened and curled very effectively. The effect was something akin to looking at a clown – a very obviously gay clown.

"How's it going, Padfoot?" James asked him, choking down the laughter that was bubbling dangerously near the surface. Sirius looked at him strangely.

"Right enough, thanks," Sirius replied, and next to him, Remus burst out laughing. Lily had transfigured Sirius' vocal chords so they were much shorter and tighter, and he now sounded like a chipmunk with ADD. "What?" Sirius said again, and James realised that he was completely oblivious to the change in his voice. He shook his head and turned to Lily to give her a subtle thumbs up. She grinned back at him.

"You know, Sirius," Lily began quietly, "I was wondering something. Dumbledore asked me to announce something at breakfast today, but since you have such a strong voice, I was wondering if you wouldn't mind doing it?"

"Well, I have been known to do some public speaking in my time," Sirius replied, puffing out his chest. Remus and Peter snorted with laughter, desperately trying to conceal their amusement. "What's wrong with you two?" Sirius asked them, and Remus' expression cleared.

"Oh, just a joke we heard this morning." He said, and Sirius hesitated a moment before nodding. He looked towards Lily questioningly, and Lily did not reply, but handed him a piece of paper to read from. He grinned and stood up, clearing his throat.

"This wasn't part of the plan, Lils," James whispered to her, eyes wide.

"I know," Lily said apologetically. "I'm sorry, I just thought it would be-"

"It's the best thing I've ever heard!" James told her enthusiastically, and Lily grinned at him. Suddenly, Sirius began speaking.

"Excuse me, staff and students, but on behalf of the Head Girl and Boy I have an announcement to make," Sirius said, his voice squeaking painfully. Laughter was starting to erupt on the Slytherin table. James chanced a glance over at Professor Dumbledore, and grinned when he saw the Headmaster smiling and shaking his head incredulously. "All outdoor classes – that is, Herbology and Care of Magical Creatures – will be relocated to classrooms 3A and 3F, on the third floor, due to the arrival of some new creatures into Professor Kettleburn's care. That is all."

It was as though the entire Hall had started shaking – people were laughing heavily, pounding their fists on the tables in front of them as they clutched their stomachs in comical pain. Sirius brought his eyebrows together, looking confused.

"Was it something I said?"

---

"WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU TRYING TO PULL, POTTER? AND _EVANS_? UNBELIEVABLE, JUST… TARNISH MY GOOD REPUTATION IN PLAIN SIGHT OF THE _ENTIRE SCHOOL_… WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU HAVE THE RIGHT…?"

Yes, Sirius Black was _not_ a happy-chappy.

"Yes, but on the plus side, you no longer look or sound like Barbara Streisand." James replied nonchalantly.

James was sitting in front of Sirius, looking thoroughly unconcerned, while Lily was seated next to James, stony-faced.

"Sirius, I'm sorry, but how can you expect to pull that kind of thing on us and not get any back?" Lily asked him quietly.

"What are you doing?" Sirius exclaimed, red faced and extremely angry. "You _know_ I can only dish it out! I'm not good at taking insults!"

"Well maybe you should get better," James told him shortly, his eyes still sparkling mischievously.

"Maybe I should get… Maybe I should get… Urgh!"

"Very articulate, well done."

"I can't believe you! How does what I did to you even _compare_ to the humiliation you-"

"You branded me a slut, Black," Lily told him. Her voice was deadly quiet. "You branded me a slut, and I was going to make you pay."

"And I suppose you think it's paid off now?"

James nodded. "Paid in full."

"Well, you see," Sirius told them, "that's where you're wrong. It's not even yet, not even close. You think you can do something like that to _Sirius Black_ and get away with it… you're wrong." Sirius got up suddenly and stormed off towards the staircases. He veered towards one before turning back. "This _is_ the boy's dormitory, isn't it?" James and Lily both nodded. "Good!" And slammed the door.

"Don't you think we went too far, James?" Lily asked, after a moment of ominous silence.

"Didn't you hear him, Lils?" James said, an evil glint of hilarity shining in his eyes. "It's not over yet. It's not even close."

"I don't know. I still think we should just stop. Take the higher ground, be the better people. Don't you?"

"Listen, you don't know the way Sirius works," James told her earnestly. "If we just stop, he'll take it as a weakness, he won't have any respect for us. We have to show him who's boss. He's like a dog. We just have to show him who's boss."

"But it was a little cruel, what we did this morning to him. He won't live it down for ages…"

"And so what? If we'd gone around school with 'slut' and 'manwhore' on our respective foreheads, _we_ wouldn't have been able to live it down either!"

"That's true…" Lily trailed off, still obviously unconvinced.

"And look, I don't understand you. _You're_ the one that came up with the idea in the first place-"

"Yeah, but I got caught up in the moment. It seems perfectly fine when I'm angry, but-"

"And don't you deserve to be angry? Don't you deserve a little revenge?" James asked her suddenly.

Lily nodded. "I guess that's true."

"It is true, Lils," James said reassuringly, taking her hand and look directly into her eyes. "We'll be fine."

"You don't think this will get out of hand?" Lily asked him quietly, and yawned.

"It's already out of hand. We just have to wait and see how far Sirius'll take it."

"We just have to wait and see." She echoed, and with a small, worried smile, made her way dejectedly to bed.

* * *

**A/N: Ah, yes, I am still here. Can't believe I've actually written this, I was almost going to give up on it. Anyway, please do review and let me know what you think .**


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